8 Things to Consider Before Reaching Out to an Estranged Family Member

true considerations from the land of those who've walked the path

In 2016 I met my biological father for the first time and it was quite the experience. All the things I'd ever wondered, all the questions I'd wanted to ask, they were all solved and answered in one really long, but magical trip.

bish - go be magical

On top of all that, some very special people made the trip with me. My brothers (they share the same father and also never met him), my husband, Lamar, and our oldest daughter, Amani. My youngest two, Carebear and Baby J, weren't born yet.

The trip started with me, Lamar, and Amani driving five hours to pick up my brothers. Once all of us were piled into our rented Dodge Caravan, which was very comfy, I might add, we drove almost twelve more hours to meet our father and younger sister. As tiring as the seventeen hour trip was, it is one that I'd make all over again to finally meet the other half of me.

Click below to read the aforementioned blog or watch the prior version on YouTube. Scroll to continue reading this post.

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However, right after the trip I created a video documenting my experience and followed that up with a blog urging everyone to take the leap to meet their estranged family member. If they were ready; they wouldn't regret it.

I, now, want to add clauses to my statement. While I may have had a magical experience, it was ignorant of me to believe that others would have the same result just because they took the same steps. To be honest, I am one of the lucky ones.

Family members become estranged for a number of reasons. In my case, my father's absence had nothing to do with me, so when I contacted him, he welcomed me. But there was always a chance that he could have rejected me and my desire for a relationship. I would've been devastated.

The show, “Grey's Anatomy,” did an incredible job showing the negative side of reconnection in the storyline where Jo contacted her biological mother who subsequently, refused a relationship. Jo spiraled into drinking and finally into an intensive in-patient therapy program. Watch a short clip here.

The risk of rejection can be very high and I suggest contacting a therapist prior to doing so. Also, here are some things to think about.

1. Are you prepared to be accepted or rejected?
   Best case scenario, they will accept you with open arms. Worst case, they could reject you. Both can lead you into tears and be difficult to deal with. If you're accepted you may start to wonder why they didn't reach out earlier. Why did they leave in the first place? If you're rejected you may start to question your value.

2. Have you level set your expectations for a relationship?
   If you are accepted, what does a relationship look like with them? Are you expecting to have the relationship you feel like you missed out on? What if their views of a relationship doesn't match up with how you view the desired relationship?

3. Are you prepared to learn things about them or things about the family you grew up with that you may not like?
   Your estranged family member may be looking for some form of redemption and may readily tell you stories that you may not want to hear. Remember, there are always more sides to a story than most people care to hear.

4. Are you prepared to end the relationship?
   There is a possibility that you may not like the person you have found. After all your hard work, emotionally and physically, you may have to end the relationship prematurely.

5. What is their financial/health status?
   Whatever is going on in their life could affect yours. If they are living paycheck to paycheck or need an organ, they could be looking to you for help. On the flip side, if they are well off, are you expecting them to be your savior?

6. Do you have the support of your current family?
   Taking this journey is not just about you. Your whole family will be impacted. They will worry that things may not go well and how the family dynamics will change. In some cases, they may not support you at all.

7. Are you ready for your physical/emotional/social life to potentially change permanently?
   This is not a journey that should be taken lightly. You are bringing an entirely "new" person into your life. This can easily be compared to getting married or adopting/birthing a child. This person will have their own set of views, thoughts, and feelings that you may not agree with. They will change your life.

8. Are you in need of an apology for their absence and if so, will you be okay if you don't receive it?
   I won't say anymore on this one. I urge you to not gloss over this one as it could be a make or break for you.

Meeting my father came with its own set of challenges, and since our meeting went well, I can say that I'd do it all over again. But had it gone terribly wrong, I don't know where I'd be.

Whatever you decide when it comes to dealing with your past, just think it through. Think through what I’ve laid out. Think through what I’ve missed. Think through what your family has told you.

Just think it through and make sure your support system is by your side.

If you’ve reconnected with an estranged family member, I invite you to share your experience in the comments if you feel comfortable doing so.

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Cori is the author of Black women’s fiction under the pen name of Chichima Cherry, and the author of the Curiously Cara African Queens children’s books series, under the pen name of Karen Mae.